Albert Banks

Ahhhhh!

As someone who spends a majority of his day in front of a computer and a ton of time online, I have grown very familiar with the web and it’s problems. A lot of issues stem from Microsoft (particularly IE), but that is an topic for another time. My current frustration is universal. It occurs no matter what brand of computer, operating system, service provider or browser you use.

You have no control over your click. Yeah, that’s right! What happens when you are browsing a website and you click on a link? Who the fuck knows? It might open in that window. It might open in a new window. It might be a download. It might link to another website. It might launch your damn email program. It might launch Adobe and lock up your browser for half an hour until a pdf loads. It might even launch some flash popup!

I wanna click how I wanna click! The problem is all links appear to be created equal, but they’re not! They eliminate user control and lack information.

First off, links should NEVER open in a new window. It should be up to me if I want to clutter my desktop with a million windows. And for godsake, tell us if the link is to a pdf. Put an icon next to it or put ‘(pdf)’ next to the link. Whoever invented pop-up ads should walk in front of a bus. How much money has been invested on STOPPING pop-ups? Plus, tell me if the link is external. I wanna know I’m leaving your site.

What I propose is a stylistic indicator of what kind of link it is in the form of a graphic or rollover text. There are already sites out there that do this. I have taken it a step further and created a demo of how these links should look:

http://www.albertbanks.com/demos/links/

A little style goes a long way to showing you what a link does!

I forgive you tiny compact car. I forgive you stupid truck. I forgive you gynormous regional transit bus. I forgive you for not knowing the “Unwritten Rules of the Road.”

Until today! Because today we are all going to learn about one of these rules. These rules you won’t find in any traffic manual. You won’t learn about them in traffic school. But, by God you will learn them starting today.

Scenario: You are traveling on a two lane road. Your lane splits to two lanes before reaching a 4-way traffic signal which is red or yellow. A car behind you has it’s right blinker on (you may or may not have noticed). You wish to proceed straight along this road. As you approach the signal which lane to you chose?

Option 1: Get in the left lane (since you are going straight anyway) and allow the car(s) behind you to turn right at the light.

Option 2:Get in the right lane and block all traffic behind you.

If you chose Option 1, you need read no further. If you chose Option 2, not only are you an idiot, slow and inconsiderate, you do not know the First Unwritten Rule.

RULE 1: GET OUT OF THE WAY!

I realize we are a diverse country so I have translated this rule for your convince.

Spanish: ¡Salga de la manera!
French: Obtenir l’écart
German: Werden Sie aus dem Weg!
Italian: Esca del senso!
Portuguese: Fique isolado!

While the scenario presented is only an example, it illustrates the rule accurately. This rule is very important if you wish to continue driving without receiving an “obscene gesture”, hearing cursing, hearing blaring horns or finally understanding the term “whiplash.” If you don’t wish to follow this rule you may fall in one of these categories:

Moron: You are probably still trying to understand the scenario.
Age-challenged: I love you, but please let your kids drive you.
Newly American: As I mentioned, the rule was not in traffic school… so see above translations.
Too cool: You are not that cool!

Now that I have given you an example, stated the rule and we’ve seen who may not follow this rule you have no excuses. It’s easy. It’s simple. Get out of the way!

You have all been informed. My time is valuable. My patience is getting thin. I don’t have the time or inclination to sit behind your excuse for a vehicle. Don’t try to argue that I wouldn’t get any further by getting past you. That is a copout. And it is untrue.

I can not count the number of times that I could have made the next light, made the next turn, gotten to work on time, been able to park closer than 2 miles to work, made it home before the O.C. started, gotten that great parking spot at Publix, avoided the scary guy at Walmart, purchased the last two tickets for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, rented the last copy of Kill Bill Vol. 1 and arrived at Moe’s before having to stand behind 30 people who won’t pay attention and list the goddamn ingredients they want on their burrito… if you had just gotten out of MY way!